Getting Hitched
by Madhumalati
Summary: Hakkai and Gojyo decide to get married: of course, nothing goes easy with these boys. A series of ficlets. Chapter seven: ancient customs are honoured, much to Kougaiji's dismay.
1. The Big Idea

_Getting hitched_

_Chapter One: The Big Idea_

In retrospect, Sanzo decided, the whole thing did look as if it was his fault.

Not that he would ever be admitting that.

It began innocently enough on one of the weekend reunions they'd all agreed on after the journey was finished. They were, perforce, held either in the temple (those were the more decorous reunions, where no one got drunk, sang karaoke or ripped their clothes off – at least in public) or at Gojyo and Hakkai's house, a small cottage they'd bought after the journey. All bets were off here, especially if the couple were feeling expansive and had invited the Houtou gang as well.

This time, it was just the four of them, and in the early morning it was definite that only Hakkai and Goku would be cheerful – and that was only because the monkey was dedicated to polishing off the huge stack of pancakes Hakkai had made. Gojyo, on the stool, had his head buried in his arms, and was thunking it rhythmically on the wooden table, as if that was going to help with his hangover. Sanzo, who had had the good sense not to get drunk the previous night, was hiding behind his newspaper – he had coffee inside his makeshift cocoon as well, and saw no reason to be sociable until his third cup, noon, or preferably both.

'Really, Gojyo,' Hakkai said softly, and Sanzo peered over the top of his paper to see him place a steaming cup of coffee in front of him and begin to massage his head with gentle skill. His fingers glowed faintly, and by Gojyo's pleased _ahhh_, Hakkai was helping with the pain.

'Mmm,' Gojyo purred, leaning back against Hakkai and pushing his head against the healer's stomach. 'Nice. Have I ever told you how much I love you?'

Sanzo nearly retched.

'This is your own fault, you know,' Hakkai said reprovingly. 'I shouldn't help you at all.' His fingers didn't stop moving.

'That's…' Gojyo sighed. 'What you always say. You're such a softie.'

Hakkai laughed a little.

He couldn't help it. He snorted.

'Hmmm?' Hakkai said inquiringly.

'You two,' Sanzo clarified, annoyed. 'You're such an old married couple.'

Hakkai adopted smile #6: I-Am-Not-Remotely-Amused-But-I-Will-Pretend-Because-I-Like-You. 'I see.'

Goku swallowed loudly next to them. 'Hakkai, these are delicious!' he cheered. Loudly. Gojyo winced, and Sanzo felt vaguely satisfied. 'But…what's he mean, old married couple?'

'It means we act as if we've been married for a long time.'

Goku looked puzzled. There was almost a question mark vibrating on the top of his head. Sanzo couldn't blame him – living on the road or in the temple, it wasn't like he'd had any chance to observe any married couples.

Hakkai noticed, too. 'It means,' he elaborated, 'that we love being together. We take care of each other, we're best friends. We know each other well, we don't fight or if we do, we make up quickly, and we do things for each other. There's a lot more to it, but that's more than most married people have, really.'

'But you're not really married,' Goku protested.

'It's just a phrase, you idiot,' Gojyo snarled. 'Stop talking so loudly.'

'But why aren't you married?' Goku asked – louder.

'Well…' Hakkai looked nonplussed. 'I suppose…two men…it's not really…the laws…we wouldn't even get a priest to marry us.'

'Sanzo could do it,' Goku said decisively, and wait, since when did Goku get to tell him what to do? But those big golden eyes turned to meet his. Wibble and all. Sanzo wanted nothing more than to disappear behind his paper and not emerge until next year, or however long it took for them to forget this utterly idiotic idea.

If he'd really wanted to do that, though, he shouldn't have met Goku's eyes.


	2. The Grand Proposal

_Chapter Two: The Grand Proposal_

''Ch,' Sanzo said finally, and raised his paper again. 'I don't care. Do whatever you like.'

'Yay!' Goku cheered. That was his Sanzo. He was prickly a lot, like a cactus, but Hakkai said they had nice water inside, and Hakkai knew everything. 'So are you gonna get married now?' he asked hopefully.

Hakkai ahaha'd. 'Well, Goku, there's more than that.'

'More?' Goku asked. They acted like a married couple, even Hakkai said so, and Sanzo said he'd marry them, so what else was there?

He loved all three of them, they were family, but did they have to be so _dense?_

'There's the proposal, you idiot,' Gojyo said to the table. 'You can't just up and tell someone else to get married. One of them has to ask. And there's all sorts of stuff.'

Goku wasn't paying attention, though. He was looking somewhere else.

Hakkai had the strangest look on his face; he was staring at Gojyo in a funny way. 'Gojyo,' he said slowly. 'Will you marry me?'

Gojyo's head came up, and Sanzo's paper came down. They stared at him, looking equally stupid with shock.

'Buh?' Gojyo said. _Yeah, real smart,_ Goku wanted to say, but he was pretty shocked himself.

'Will you marry me, Gojyo?' Hakkai said again, all patient-like.

'You're _serious?_' Gojyo asked, and Hakkai's lips tightened. 'Okay. Okay, you are. Shit. Wow. Huh. Okay. Wow.'

'Was that a yes, Gojyo?' Hakkai asked mildly. They stared at each other, and then they both began to smile.

Gojyo looked shifty. 'But what if I want a girl?' he whined.

One of Sanzo's eyebrows shot up.

'Then,' Hakkai said, calmly, 'I will track you down, beat you black and blue, chain you to the bed and deny you sex for a year.'

Sanzo's other eyebrow joined it.

'Well,' Gojyo said, and he was grinning madly now, 'if you put it that way…'

'Yes, I did think that was a convincing argument.'

'Okay. So, now?'

'Of course not. We have to send out the invitations, get ready to receive our guests. My, we'll need to clean this place up a little, won't we?' Hakkai was bustling around again like he didn't know what he was doing, with the biggest grin Goku had ever seen spread over his face. He took Sanzo's half-finished coffee and dumped it in the sink, and he didn't even hear when Sanzo choked.

'Invitations?' Gojyo asked. 'Hey, what–'

'I do think your brother would want to see you married. And Yaone, and Kougaiji and Lirin, of course, and maybe we should…no, just them, I don't think anyone else would be appropriate…'

'If anyone even thinks of calling Hazel,' Sanzo said, 'they will die.'

Hakkai gave him a loud look, like _why would I wanna do that?_ 'Ahaha. Anyway. There's a lot to do. I don't suppose you'd mind staying a few extra days, Sanzo?'

There was a big long silence as they all thought about what had happened the last five minutes.

'Yeah, whatever,' Sanzo said, and lit up right at the table, and Hakkai didn't even tell him not to. Goku thought he was really really really happy if he did _that_. 'I don't like their stupid paperwork anyway.'


	3. The Invitations Depart

_Chapter Three: The Invitations Depart_

'Would it be better if we invited Kougaiji, Lirin and Yaone together or individually?'

'I don't care,' Gojyo said. He was already getting tired of this, and it was only five hours since the whole thing had started. He wished very badly that he'd had the sense of the other two and disappeared before _this_ started. 'Just send the things out already.'

'But they might not believe us,' Hakkai objected. 'This is a rather incredible thing, isn't it? They might simply dismiss it as an odd practical joke.'

'We could get Sanzo to sign it,' Gojyo suggested. 'Nobody's gonna accuse _him _of having a sense of humour.'

'But they might think that we would do that just to lull them into complacence,' Hakkai objected.

Gojyo grabbed his spouse-to-be (because 'husband' felt too much like he was a girl, and his playboy instincts were having a hard enough time as it was) hard around the shoulders. 'Hakkai,' he said patiently. (And people thought Hakkai was the patient one. He had ten tics to one of Gojyo's.) 'Hakkai, they'll come anyway. This is too lame to not be real, and besides.' He swallowed and went on. 'It's been obvious for a long time, right? They'll be here. So just stop worrying and pacing and acting even crazier than you are. It's making me dizzy.'

Hakkai looked at him with wide eyes, and then relaxed visibly. 'Gojyo,' he murmured helplessly, and snuggled into his chest. Gojyo closed his arms around him, feeling out of his depth. 'We're getting married. This is insane.'

'Of course it is,' Gojyo said quietly. 'We're insane. I don't care.'

'It's just I…' Hakkai stopped, breathed slow. 'I never expected to.'

'Yeah. I know. Me either.'

'It's sudden.'

'Yeah, well, you asked me. You're not allowed to back out of this now.'

'I wouldn't!' Hakkai pulled away to look at him.

Gojyo smiled weakly. 'Right. But jeez, Hakkai, calm down. You're driving me crazy here.'

'All right,' Hakkai said obediently.

'There's a good wife,' Gojyo grinned as he leaned in. This was going to be good for some jokes.

Hakkai was unamused, if the foot that smashed on his was any indication. 'Spouse, Gojyo,' he reminded firmly, as Gojyo hopped around in pain. 'Or husband, should you so prefer. Wife jokes will not be appreciated.'

'Black and blue and chained to the bed, huh?' Gojyo asked wryly, massaging his sore foot.

Hakkai's eyes flickered up to his eyes and down again. 'I'll settle for chained to the bed this time, I think,' he purred, leaning in.


	4. The Guests Arrive

_Chapter four: The Guests Arrive_

The Houtou contingent descended on the cottage – literally – five days after Hakuryuu had been sent with invitations.

Dokugakuji was the first off his dragon and in the house, since he and Lirin were lighter than the other two. 'Hey, bro,' he greeted Gojyo, adding a clap on the back for good measure. 'Heard you got yourself a man at last. Want to go buy your dress now?'

'Shut up,' Gojyo wailed. 'That's not fair!'

'Congratulations,' Kougaiji said politely. 'I hope you're very happy together.'

'Oh, I'm so glad for you two!' Yaone exclaimed, rushing past him and clasping Hakkai's hands excitedly. 'We came as soon as we could, once we heard.'

Hakkai smiled. 'Thank you both.'

Lirin gave them a bright smile. 'Good for you!' she said. 'Where's baldy?'

'Touch me and die,' Sanzo snarled.

And that was that.

A/N: been a while, but ffnet wasn't allowing me to edit docs and I was busy. Dead busy. Short chapter, I know, but another will be along in a couple of days.


	5. The Bachelor Party

_Chapter five: The Bachelor Party_

Unsurprisingly, it was Doku who started _that _conversation.

'Don't you think we should have a bachelor party for you two?' he asked.

Hakkai adopted smile #60: I-Will-Pretend-To-Not-Know-What-You-Refer-To. 'Ah?' he said enquiringly.

The youkai went on. 'You know. A sort of last wild night before you have to settle down to being boring and respectable.'

Silence descended on the group.

'Kou had one,' Doku added helpfully. 'With strippers and all.'

Kougaiji looked as if he'd swallowed a large egg whole. 'I…' he said weakly.

Yaone glared. It was quite an impressive glare, Hakkai decided. 'You didn't tell me about that,' she said very very quietly. 'Kougaiji, is he telling the truth?'

'But you told me she'd agreed to let us have it,' Doku persisted, oblivious to Kougaiji gesturing frantically for his silence.

Yaone now had a glare that reminded Hakkai extraordinarily of Goku's – rarely used, but formidable nonetheless. 'I think we need to talk,' she announced.

Kougaiji shot a darkly promising look at his best friend as his fiancee dragged him out of the room.

Doku didn't seem remotely fazed. 'So, a hot night out.'

'I'll pass,' said Gojyo hastily, which pleased Hakkai. So, he did have discretion.

'Not for me either, I'm afraid,' Hakkai agreed.

'On the other hand,' Gojyo said, leaning in rather close, and Hakkai _knew _this wasn't going to be good, 'we could have that hot night. Together. What do you say, Hakkai?' he jostled his shoulder companionably, and slid his other arm around Hakkai. Since they were curled on the small sofa together, nobody else (except Goku, who was perched on its back) noticed when he slid it low and groped him shamelessly.

'Ewww, cut it out!' Goku wailed, hopping off the sofa, looking utterly traumatised. 'Not in public!'

'Yeah, like you and Sanzo are more discreet,' Gojyo snapped.

The fan descended.

Gojyo sputtered in shock. 'I don't believe this! You shitty…where the hell were you until right now?'

Sanzo huffed, pulled up a spare chair and sat down in it. Clearly, he wasn't going to deign to respond. Although Hakkai had to admit it was something of a mystery how Sanzo always knew when he was being talked about.

'What?' Lirin asked as she came in behind Sanzo.

'Nothing,' Doku, Gojyo and Hakkai chorused.


	6. The Goddess

**_Chapter six: The Goddess _**

They were on the porch, waiting for the others to come back from their shopping trip. Sanzo and Gojyo were smoking, Goku was sitting with his back against Sanzo's chair, head against his leg. The sun was setting. The sky was vibrant with colour. 

All in all, too good to last.

'And where's my invitation?'

Sanzo, Gojyo and Goku goggled wordlessly. 

Kanzeon huffed, exactly like Sanzo, and put her hands on her hips. One foot tapped irritatedly on the ground. 'You don't mean you weren't going to invite me, do you?'

Gojyo made a small sound, like a dying frog. 

'Oh, you're all hopeless,' she said. 'You'd forget all the important people if you weren't reminded. Honestly, this place needs a woman's touch. Kenren, you're not as good as you once were.'

That did get a reaction. 'Hey!' Gojyo protested. 

'So when's the wedding?' Kanzeon bulldozed neatly past his objection. 'Tomorrow morning? Although we should probably have an evening wedding, so much prettier.'

'We?' Gojyo asked, because. Well. That was important.

'Yes, yes.' She waved nonchalantly. 'I'm going to be planning the whole thing out, of course. You men would mess it all up.'

Where the hell was Hakkai when he needed him? Grocery shopping his ass. The man just had a fantastic radar for embarrassment. 'Er,' Gojyo said intelligently. 

'Go away, you disgusting old woman,' Sanzo said bluntly next to him, and Gojyo had to consciously stop himself from nodding in agreement. 

'That's no way to talk to your aunt now, is it?' Kanzeon said. 'Especially when I'll be footing the bill for this.' She winked outrageously at Gojyo. 'Consider it my wedding present.'

'Present?' Gojyo repeated, slightly dazed. 

'Present,' Kanzeon said. She gestured to the house. 

They trooped in obediently and stood book-ended in the doorway, goggling wordlessly. Kanzeon looked smug.

The kitchen was suddenly full of food, the simmering bubbling pots filled with enough to feed an army – and have some left over, which was always wise with Goku around. The table had widened and lengthened, there were nine chairs around it now, large and expensive-looking ones. The hall now held seven chairs, another table with a large sign saying _gifts _on it, and a sort of flowery vine-covered…arch…thing…just big enough for three people to stand inside.

Technically, Gojyo _knew _there was no way all that would ever fit in their little house, but it _did, _and the house was exactly the same size as ever. Just looking at it made his brain hurt, because his logic was trying to match up with his eyes and damn the struggle wasn't pretty. 

'Well, now that that's done, I'll be back tomorrow for the wedding,' Kanzeon said, satisfied. 'Call me before you start, there's a dear, Konzen. Goku, do remind him. Kenren, congratulations to the two of you. I always did tell Tenpou he should get around to making an honest man of you someday. See you!'

She phased out.

There was a long, long moment as the three of them regained their shattered composure.

Goku plucked at Sanzo's sleeve. 'What's Hakkai gonna say when he sees all that?'

'I have no idea,' Sanzo said.

'And I'm not sticking around to find out,' Gojyo said emphatically. 

They nodded in unison.

'Walk?' Sanzo suggested.

'_Long _walk,' Gojyo amended.

'Hn.'


	7. The traditional threats

**__**

Chapter seven: The Traditional Threats

Kougaiji seemed unsure how the conversation had turned to this point.

'Why,' he asked carefully, 'would we be required to threaten either Gojyo or Hakkai?'

Doku gestured impatiently. 'Because. It's traditional. You gotta warn the other guy not to hurt…well, him.'

Goku stared. 'Why?' the heretic asked blankly. 'Who's going to hurt who?'

'Nobody,' Dokugakuji said. 'It's just the done thing, that's all. See, I'm Gojyo's brother, so I have to threaten Hakkai. Just to, you know. It's a gesture. Traditional,' he said again, not seeming to realise that nobody in this house had had anything remotely approaching a traditional childhood except, perhaps, Yaone.

'Oh.' Goku pondered. 'Well. I don't know. I like them both. Can I think about it?'

'Sanzo?'

'Based on past idiocy,' Sanzo droned, 'the answer seems obvious.'

'Ooooh,' Gojyo said. 'I feel so afraid. So very, very afraid.' He dodged even before the gun fired.

'What about you, Kou?'

Kougaiji looked plaintively at him. 'I,' he floundered. 'Well.'

'I'm on Hakkai's side,' Yaone volunteered.

'I'm flattered you think so highly of me,' Hakkai said politely.

'You're a girl,' Gojyo said dismissively. 'You don't count.'

'_Excuse_ me?'

'And why him, anyway?'

'Because he's very sweet and kind and handsome, and if you break his heart I'll have to console him and it won't be pretty.'

Kougaiji cleared his throat loudly.

'Don't worry,' Yaone said, and patted his arm fondly. 'There's nothing for you to be jealous about.'

Kougaiji looked less than reassured.

'Okay, I'll threaten Gojyo too, then,' Lirin said. Gojyo looked accusingly at her. 'What? Hakkai makes the food around here!'

'Goku?' Gojyo said desperately.

'Uhh,' Goku said, uncomfortable. 'I don't know.'

'Et tu, monkey?' Gojyo said theatrically.

'You shouldn't try to act like you have a brain,' Sanzo said helpfully. 'It only makes it more obvious the other times.'

'Now, now,' Hakkai said mildly.

'I don't believe this,' Gojyo declared and flounced off.


End file.
